"Real Women" with Luci Fir

“Real Women” with Luci Fir
By Charles B. French
Co-written by Lisa, Dana, and Brandi

What does it mean to be a “real woman” in the world today? Everyone has an opinion, not all of them good. Sometimes it seems like the more a woman tries to follow this advice on real womanhood the more miserable she gets. This script explores those issues, the internal conflict that faces many women today, and presents a way out from under the burden of unneeded guilt and obligation.

Note: This script was performed for a women’s retreat and broken into three sections, each scene used to kick off a separate session. While the following script is broken into three parts, it can be performed all at once, and you only need to omit the lines about taking a “commercial break.”

Angeline – she’s having a terrible nightmare. She is an ordinary woman burdened with many insecurities about what it means to be a woman, unsure of what she should and shouldn’t do.
Luci Fir – the devil in Angeline’s dreams, she is there to give Angeline advice on what it means to be a “real” woman, sometimes invoking Scripture to make Angeline feel even more guilty and inadequate.

Angeline walks onstage and sits down. She’s in her pajamas.

Angeline: Wow, I really shouldn’t have eaten that combination of hot sauce and devil’s food cake. I hope this doesn’t give me a nightmare.

Angeline falls asleep and Luci Fir walks onstage to music. She is dressed to the sixes and is probably wearing something red. Luci takes center stage to address the audience.

Luci: Hello and welcome to “Real Women with Luci Fir.” I’m Luci and I’m glad you all could make it. We’ve got a great show today. You’ll all be glad you tuned in, because we are going to learn so much about what it means to be a real woman.

Angeline wakes up.

Angeline: Why is there a talk show in my bedroom?

Luci: You must be Angeline. I’ve been wanting to chat with you about your, shall we say, unique views for quite some time, and this is the perfect opportunity, don’t you think? Why don’t you all give a real woman welcome to Angeline.

Angeline: Um, thank you for having me?

Luci: Now don’t you look interesting. Before we get into this, may I ask you about those shoes?

Angeline: Oh, I’m so glad you asked. You’ll never guess how much they cost.

Luci: Oh, I bet I can. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about. I understand you’ve been doing Bible study about God’s plan for women.

Angeline: Yes.

Luci: Isn’t the Bible just the best book?

Angeline: It is.

Luci: I’ve read this thing cover to cover, and my audience never needs to page through it, I’ll just tell them what’s in it.

Angeline: Don’t you think they should read for themselves?

Luci: Nonsense. Don’t you agree that real women should only read books about landing a rich husband, losing weight, or smothering your children to insure success? Who has time for the Bible? Am I right?

Angeline: No, I think…

Luci: Who needs to think? Honey, stick with me and I’ll do the thinking for you. It’s a much better life when I make your decisions. Wouldn’t it just be easier to just go with the flow?

Angeline: Well, I mean, I suppose…no, that’s not it at all. Second Timothy says that all Scripture is God breathed, useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness. (timidly to audience) If it’s that important, don’t you all think we should study it daily?

Luci: And that’s great, but, I hate to say this, I am a little bit concerned about you.

Angeline: Concerned?

Luci: Well, look at you. I mean, you look nice, but why not be just a little bit sharper? You could put in a little more effort to really bring out your beauty.

Angeline: Well, I don’t want to spend all day in front of the mirror. Besides, I’ve got a busy schedule.

Luci: You’re too busy to please God. After all, doesn’t it say in Psalm 45:11 that you should honor your king, and by that I mean God, by being as beautiful as possible? I just want to help you out dear, you understand.

Angeline: Well, you might have a point. I mean, I just sort of threw this on...

Luci: Exactly. You need some more pride in your appearance. You should know, it’s straight from the Bible. You don’t want to get it wrong.

Angeline: You’re right, except, well, I think it says in 1 Peter 3 that true beauty isn’t dependant upon outer beauty. It’s about having a gentle and quiet spirit. Yes, I know that’s what it says. I just had a Bible study on it.

Luci: Well I’m sure God wouldn’t mind if you had your nails done once in a while. But of course, I’m sure you’re busy and have no time for anything.

Angeline: I’m not too busy. I just discovered electronic books and I’m catching up on all the classics on my reader. Truth be told, though, I’ve gotten pretty good at Angry Birds.

Luci: I’m surprised at you.

Angeline: Is that bad?

Luci: You tell me. A woman with leisure time? My audience knows that real women consider getting four hours of sleep a luxury. Otherwise she’s being irresponsible.

Angeline: I don’t think that’s how it works…is it?

Luci: Of course. You need to live up to God’s standards set out in Proverbs 31:15. A woman should get up while it’s still dark and work, work, work. If she runs out of things to do for her family, there’s always a committee at church that needs an extra member. How many committees are you on?

Angeline: I’m not on any at the moment because I’m busy with my family and work…

Luci: Really, you don’t have time to be on three? If you’re not to busy playing Angry Birds, you could be communicating through email or even Skype. Technology is so amazing, it lets us fit more into our schedules. I think my audience will agree that you ought to be doing more at your church. Am I right audience?

Angeline: Well, I suppose I could help out with…no, wait. That’s not what God wants from us. He calls us to serve him, not work ourselves to death.

Luci: How would you know? Why don’t you just take my word for it? It’s much easier that way.

Angeline: I suppose, no, I think you’re wrong because in Matthew 11 Jesus calls the weary to come to Him, for He will give them rest, and we forget that sometimes rest is a good thing. God gives us what we can handle, but no more. That’s it, that’s right. When we add to God’s workload, we’re telling Him that He’s wrong. Choosing to make ourselves too busy is just being prideful.

Luci: Pardon me for being proud of my work.

Angeline: I don’t know about your audience, but after a long day of working and keeping my kids from destroying the house, I need time to rest and rejuvenate. Otherwise I’m no good to anyone. Who wins when that happens?

Luci: (clearly she knows it’s her but isn’t saying) I haven’t the foggiest. Well, we’re going to take a break, but we’ve got more from this guest and her controversial take on what the Bible says about real women. Won’t you stay tuned?

The scene ends with a “Commercial Break” if this will be broken into several parts. If this will all be done at once, then ignore the lines about taking a break.

Part 2

Luci: Welcome back everyone. Before we move on, I’ve got some viewer mail I’d like to look at. (to Angeline) You don’t mind do you?

Angeline: Why are you taking viewer mail in my dream?

Luci: (Luci pulls out a card.) Today’s email comes from Dianne. It reads, “Hello, Luci. My neighbor down the road just finished an addition on her house and it’s fantastic. She just had a party and invited everyone in the neighborhood to show it off. I’d like to build an even bigger addition to my house but I’m worried it might strain our budget My husband and I life paycheck to paycheck as it is. What should I do?” Great question, Dianne. (to Angeline) Care to take a stab at it?

Angeline: Well, you want to ask yourself why you want it and it that’s in line with what God wants. You see…

Luci: May I interrupt?

Angeline: Actually…

Luci: Thank you. The answer is simple, Dianne. Go ahead and build it, it’s what God wants.

Angeline: Don’t you think that’s irresponsible? This could strain her marriage, and don’t you think a marriage is more important than an addition?

Luci: My audience knows the answer to that. Of course she should build it, and her husband needs to get with the program. If they need money, he needs to go out there and make more of it, and she should insist that he do so.

Angeline: No, that’s not what she should do.

Luci: Look, I’ve given tons of people relationship advice, and I know what I’m doing. Besides, the Bible agrees with me.

Angeline: Well, no, I mean…

Luci: You know I’m right.

Angeline: Except, no, you’re not. 1 Timothy 1:10 says that the love of money is the root of all evil, and people who chase after it cause themselves so many problems, and if she does what you say, she could ruin her marriage.

Luci: Listen to Miss ‘Angelina Holy’ over here. (pronounced like Angelina Jolie) How about we read another letter? I can’t wait to see your response to this one.

Angeline: I don’t think you should be giving any more advice.

Luci: It’s my show, we’re doing this. Is that all right with you?

Angeline: Well, I guess so.

Luci: This letter is from Katie. She writes that she always feels insecure about her body. “Everywhere I look, there are women skinnier and in better shape than me. What should I do to feel better about myself?” Now this is an interesting case, any thoughts?

Angeline: Well, she should remember that God…

Luci: God wants her to lose the weight, am I right?

Angeline: That’s not what I was going to say?

Luci: Are you sure? I think we can agree that we need to work for God’s favor. Like we do with men, we need to impress God so he’ll notice us. We need to look our best.

Angeline: No, I don’t think so.

Luci: Are you sure you’ve read the Bible?

Angeline: Yes, I’ve read it.

Luci: Because when I read it, I see that God has some pretty strict expectations. If you don’t look and act the part, then God’s going to pass you by. Right.

Angeline: No, I don’t agree.

Luci: Come on, you know this all makes sense.

Angeline: It does, except…

Luci: Except nothing. You know I’m right.

Angeline: No, you aren’t. I know this, because of what the Bible says about God. Yes, He already chose to love all of us. In John 15:16, Jesus says that we didn’t choose Him, but He chose us. I don’t need to earn it, just accept it, and Katie needs to know that God loves her, and she doesn’t need to compare herself to others or live up to some standard, because the Creator of the universe loves her unconditionally.

Luci: You raise an interesting point. God does want to bless us women.

Angeline: Yes.

Luci: In fact, I think it’s pretty clear that if your life isn’t going great, if it’s not perfect, then something must be wrong. Look at all the women in the Bible. They all got what they wanted and had great lives.

Angeline: No.

Luci: Really, can you name one?

Angeline: I…

Luci: I knew you couldn’t because I’m right.

Angeline: No. Look at Mary, the mother of Jesus. She had a hard life from the moment she became pregnant. Many women in the Bible who followed God didn’t have comfortable lives.

Luci: Are you sure they were doing it right? Isn’t it true that the faithful don’t face hardships?

Angeline: No, they sometimes face more hardships.

Luci: Then I think we can agree that such a life is bad. Why would anyone choose it?

Angeline: Because there is joy in the Lord. Jesus is the way, truth, and the life. When we follow Jesus, we have abundant life, even in the hard times.

Luci: Well isn’t this interesting? Time for another break, and when we come back, we’re going to address some current events that affect all women.

Part 3

Luci: And we’re back. Angeline, I’m glad we’re starting to see eye to eye.

Angeline: No, we’re not.

Luci: Sure we are. Let’s talk about more current issues, something that women can relate to.

Angeline: Do you want to address balancing work and home?

Luci: No, I want to know what kind of car you’re driving.

Angeline: How is that relevant?

Luci: Because I brought it up. What kind of car?

Angeline: We’re thinking of getting a minivan.

Luci: Really, you want a mom-mobile? Don’t you still see yourself in something hot and sporty?

Angeline: A minivan makes sense for my family.

Luci: But does it make sense for you? If you look in the rear-view mirror, what will you see? Someone cool and interesting? Or someone who’s just given up?

Angeline: I haven’t given up, I don’t think I have.

Luci: Look, I know it seems so easy to just settle into a minivan, but every year we have newer, sportier cars? Why not get one of those. It’s only a five year loan, and you’ll feel great.

Angeline: That’s not what I really need.

Luci: I know you, and you need to feel great.

Angeline: I suppose I could…

Luci: Just think of your joy when you’re owning the road. It will all be worth it.

Angeline: Wait, no, that’s not where I get my joy.

Luci: You’ve never driven with the top down.

Angeline: Jesus said in John 15:11 that if we follow Him, His joy will be in us, and your joy will be complete. I don’t need a car for joy, I need Jesus, and I’ll have joy whether or not I drive the mom-mobile.

Luci: Aren’t you afraid of people looking at you, saying “She used to be something. Too bad.”

Angeline: You know what, let them.

Luci: Are you sure? I’d hate for you to regret these choices you’re making. There’s a better way, you know. You can be a real woman.

Angeline: What is a real woman? Tell me.

Luci: Smart, sophisticated, flawless, really. When people see her, they are envious. They know that she’s got it all figured out and they don’t know how she does it. She’s got the perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect clothes, perfect body, perfect car, and perfect life.

Angeline: It’s impossible to be that perfect.

Luci: That’s what people say who don’t try hard enough. It’s like when I tell women all the time that they could just improve the flaws in their bodies if they went on one more diet, exercised a bit more, and perhaps sprang for that surgery. Now, I know it’s a lot of work, but I know you can get to that perfect place.

Angeline: No, I don’t need to do that.

Luci: Are you sure about that? God made you in His image. He’s perfect, shouldn’t you work to be perfect? I mean, no offense, but don’t you think you could drop a few pounds? What would God think?

Angeline: John 3:16 says that God loved the world so much that He gave His Son to die for us. Ephesians 1 says that he chose us to be His adopted children. God chose us. God chose me, and I choose to listen to Him over you.

Luci: Like I said, that’s an interesting perspective, and we’re all entitled to our opinions.

Angeline: No, it’s the Word of the Lord. And I think we’re done here.

Luci: If you leave before the commercial break, I won’t be able to stop the audience from saying mean things about you and judging you. You know I’m only looking out for you.

Angeline: Get behind me Luci Fir!. (to the audience) You have a choice to make too. Listen to her, or choose the goodness that God has for us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go click my heels together three times.

Angeline walks offstage leaving Luci dumbfounded. Luci quickly tries to recover.

Luci: Well, I suppose that’s the end of that segment. But don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. In fact, some of you will probably see me tonight. Make sure you wear nice shoes.

Luci exits.

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Real Women with Luci Fir Copyright © 2013 Charles B. French. All Rights Reserved.

You may perform this script for free as long as no admission is charged for the performance. I would love to hear about how it went, so drop me a line – you can find the address here.
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