Punch in the Face

Punch in the Face
By Charles B. French

You can say you're acting in Christ's name, but that doesn't automatically make it so. Far too many Christians have used Christ to justify hurting others, which is by definition 'Using the Lord's name in Vain.' When you encounter others in the world, make sure that your actions are in line with the teachings of Christ. For it is our actions more than our words that spread the Gospel.

Fred is someone who really wants to punch people in the face.  
Gene is someone who really does not want to be punched in the face. 

Gene casually walks onstage. Fred rushes towards him from the opposite direction.

Fred: Stop right there.

Gene: (stopping) What?

Fred: Don’t take another step.

Gene: What's going on?

Fred: (walking up to Gene) Good. Stay right there.

Gene: Is there a problem?

Fred: Yes, but I’m about to deal with it. Now keep your head perfectly still.

Gene: Why?

Fred: (pulling his fist back) Because I’m going to punch you in the face.

Gene jumps back. Fred swings his fist but misses Fred’s face.

Gene: What?

Fred: Now look at what you made me do.

Gene: You wanted to punch me in the face.

Fred: Yeah, and thanks to you I missed. Come back over here so I can do it properly.

Gene: I will not.

Fred: Now you’re just being difficult.

Gene: Good. Because I am not going to stand here and let you punch me.

Fred: Stop being such a baby.

Gene: Call me whatever you want, I will not let you punch me. Not now. Not ever.

Fred: Why are you persecuting me?

Gene: How is this persecution?

Fred: As you can see I’m a Christian.

Gene: Who wants to punch me in the face.

Fred: Because that’s what my faith commands me to do.

Gene: Are you sure you’ve got that right?

Fred: Of course. My understanding of the Bible has clearly taught me that you need to be punched in the face.

Gene: Well, I disagree with your interpretation.

Fred: Then you disagree with God. Not feeling so smug now, are you?

Gene: God wants you to punch people in the face?

Fred: That’s right.

Gene: I highly doubt that.

Fred: Which is why you need a punch to the face.

Gene: I certainly do not.

Fred: What if I explained it in a nicer way? I could smile more. Perhaps you’d like me to share some Bible verses that clearly state why you need a punch in the face.

Gene: I don’t think Jesus ever told his followers to punch people in the face.

Fred: Jesus? No, I don’t bother with that hippie. I use the real Bible verses.

Gene: The ones that justify you being a violent psychopath.

Fred: Stop being intolerant.

Gene: Stop trying to punch me in the face. Then we’ll talk about tolerance.

Fred: So I’m supposed to just let you go about your day, while I have to tolerate the fact that your face is un-punched?

Gene: That’s how it works in civilized society, yes.

Fred: It’s getting harder and harder to be a Christian these days.

Gene: Only if you insist on punching people in the face. Have you tried to be a Christian without the face punching?

Fred: That would be condoning your lifestyle.

Gene: You’re perfectly free to disagree with me without inflicting violence upon my person.

Fred: But if I let your face go un-punched, I’m violating my deeply held Christian beliefs. Why do you hate my religious freedom?

Gene: Your religious freedom ends where my face begins.

Fred: Stop being so politically correct. Why can’t you accept the fact that your face needs to be punched?

Gene: Because I’m currently using this face.

Fred: We could compromise.

Gene: Compromise?

Fred: I could punch you in the back of the head.

Gene: No.

Fred: The neck.

Gene: No.

Fred: The small of your back where it’s impossible to scratch.

Gene: Then I’d have a bruise and an itch. No.

Fred: How about this. I kick you really hard in the shins.

Gene: No.

Fred: Punch you in the stomach?

Gene: No.

Fred: I don’t appreciate how inflexible you’re being.

Gene: I’m the one being inflexible?

Fred: Yes. I’m negotiating in good faith and you won’t budge an inch.

Gene: You’ll get over it.

Fred: How can I? The thought you of not having your face punched keeps me up at night.

Gene: Have you considered counseling?

Fred: It didn’t work.

Gene: Let me guess, you-

Fred: Punched my therapist right in the face.

Gene: You need to stop doing that to people.

Fred: Never. Can’t you see this is for the greater good?

Gene: The greater good?

Fred: Society is crumbling because people like you, who need a punch in the face, aren’t getting punched in the face.

Gene: No, I think the problem is that people like you think you are entitled to punch people in the face.

Fred: So you’re not going to let me punch you?

Gene: Nope.

Fred: You just wait. A bunch of us just might get together and pass laws that make it legal to punch you in the face. Then what would you do?

Gene: I think I’m going to leave.

Fred: (shouting after him) Oh, yeah. We’re going to punch everyone in the face. Then you’ll be sorry.

Gene exits.

Fred: Wow. People really are hostile towards Christianity these days.

Fred sees someone offstage.

Fred: (shouting towards the person he sees offstage) Hey, you! I need to punch you in the face!

Fred runs offstage.

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Punch in the Face Copyright © 2014 Charles B. French. All Rights Reserved.

You may perform this script for free as long as no admission is charged for the performance. I would love to hear about how it went, so drop me a line – you can find the address here.
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